by AdminAlrighty, folks, gather ’round for another episode of “Why is Shane Like This?” Today’s topic: My apparent addiction to doing the jobs of, oh, I don’t know, five to ten people simultaneously… and the crippling self-doubt that comes with it.
Look, all my life, I’ve been that person who sees a mountain of tasks and goes, “Challenge accepted!” …internal screaming intensifies… You know, the one who accidentally signs up for everything and then somehow, barely pulls it off, often with a side of caffeine dependency, a healthy dose of sleep deprivation, and a generous sprinkle of “What am I even doing?” It’s like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Overwhelmed? Nah, I got this. And that. And probably that other thing over there, too… maybe… hopefully.”
On the outside, it might look like sunshine and productivity rainbows. People see an asset, a one-person army. But inside? It’s a bit more… chaotic. A battlefield of self doubt. Let’s just say that I’ve redefined “multitasking” to include a level of mental gymnastics that would make Simone Biles proud, plus an Olympic-level ability to question every single decision I make. And for what? I’ve excelled in roles that would typically require an entire team, but honestly, “excelled” often just means “didn’t completely implode.” And all that while barely making ends meet, might I add.
But here’s the kicker – despite all of that, despite the constant fear of dropping all the balls I’m juggling, I still try to do everything myself. It’s not that I don’t value teamwork (I swear!). It’s more like… I’ve built these impenetrable walls around myself, and letting people in feels like I’m setting myself up for failure. It’s a stupid fear, I know, but the fear of losing people, on top of the fear of failing, has always been my kryptonite. It’s a vicious cycle, really.
So, I did what any rational, self-doubting person would do: I dug. I dug so deep, expecting to hit rock bottom, but it was like falling down an endless well of “what ifs” and “I can’ts.” The good news? I realized I’m pretty damn good at digging, even if it’s just digging myself into a hole of anxiety. Every road for me is an uphill battle, and most days, “success” is just making it to the end of the day without a complete meltdown.
And then, like a faint whisper from the past, I remembered the cocky kid I used to be, before the self-doubt crept in. The one who dared life to throw its best punch. And boy, did life listen. It waited until I was at my most vulnerable, then BAM! Hit me with blows Mike Tyson would respect. Life gave me blows, and I gave myself crippling anxiety.
But guess what, life? I’m still standing. Still digging. Still doing the work of a small army, even if that army is running on fumes and second-guessing its every move. And you know what? I might just be ready to let a few people in my well-lit, albeit solitary, fortress… maybe. If I don’t doubt myself too much first.
Stay tuned for more updates from the trenches, folks. It’s bound to get interesting… or at least mildly anxiety-inducing.